Crying, Comfort and Control Patterns

Question: Is it damaging to nurse an upset child upon request? Won't this prevent the child from expressing his feelings of anger or sadness and lead to repression and control patterns (see The Aware Baby by Aletha Solter)?

Answer: I absolutely trust that my children know what they need when they are in discomfort. I trusted them this way in infancy. If a toddler is crying and asking to nurse, I'd definitely do it. I fail to see how this could possibly be controlling in any way.

I think it would be harmful if my child were angry and I was coaxing him to nurse because of my discomfort with the anger or the crying...that would be controlling, but meeting my child's needs can never controlling.

It seems to me that refusing to nurse, or comfort my child as he asks, is a controlling behavior. I'm deciding that my idea about what he needs is more important than his own. It presumes that I know more about how my child feels than he does.

In my opinion, this is a disrespectful and coercive approach toward children. It isn't up to me to determine the validity of their grief or anger, or the validity of their needs.

My job (my evolved, continuum job) is to be available to my child. Not following him around looking for opportunities to protect him from every painful or uncomfortable experience, but to be available. Nursing a toddler or older child is essentially a passive experience for the mother. I need only open my arms to my child when he comes to me and my body is completely available to him. If he were upset and requesting to nurse, only the most difficult circumstances would lead me to refuse him. Cooking pots can be turned off, my child can join me in the shower, I can nurse on the toilet.

Refusing to nurse, a la Solter, isn't about meeting needs, it's about managing children towards a particular outcome. That isn't in accordance with our continuum in the slightest, imo.

TCCMaven

Crying, Comfort and Control Patterns