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Coercion

Question: How is saying "You can nurse after I am done with dishes," different from "You can nurse after this mess is cleaned up?"

Answer: It seems to me that these two statements are entirely different. The first is a statement of fact and a promise. I will nurse you when I've finished the dishes.

The second is coercive -- an attempt to make someone else behave in a particular way before giving him what he wants. I will nurse you if you pick up the mess. If you don't, I won't.

Don't feel that you aren't allowed to change your mind when interacting with your child. If you say "I'll nurse you later" and he's clearly expressing that he needs to nurse now, it's perfectly okay to change your mind. Nobody is keeping score on some giant chalkboard to see which one of you wins the contest of wills.

It's really hard, from the outside, to start making assessments about whether or not other people (especially young people) really need what they're asking for. With small children, my tendency is to trust that they really do need it (say, nursing, food, sleep) and give it to them or help them get it.